My aunt talked to me in the afternoon, I like this place. She shared with me the things about the family I never knew of - every family has a story, even this warm one that makes us feel welcome every time we return.

Despite it all, remember : i) lightness, ii) look beyond yourself.

Her body marks the death of the burden on his shoulders - or do they live forever, remaining unresolved without a physical proof for the possibility of approval for him? She lives in him, scarring the soul that passes on and lives down the generations. I carry the weight till his very last breath of seriousness I depend on, love and detest at the same time. I exhale the same contents, I am doomed to live this life of standards that I inch towards every living moment, perhaps blindly.

21st june is a special date. Regrets will not exist if you live knowing when and what to let go of, and subsequently knowing what would keep you satisfied at the end of each time frame. Living a life to 93 would be impossible for me. 

Being at a distance is fool-proof, the destruction of expectations an artificial source of comfort. When did I start rejecting emotions as much as I do? When I observe her frenzied tears honest with irrationality and weakness. Or humanity.

Reason is functionality that keeps one from the motion of breakage I no longer want to observe. 

The safety lies in being apart. 

Being in a new place granted me the freedom and acceptance I needed to be comfortable. It is today that I began to notice the differences between love and acceptance - the usual place was evidently filled with love, yet I never really liked it. In fact, the love handed to me, not gingerly but thrust into my arms, had always made me guilty for my discomfort. 

But love and acceptance are different things. You can love something that is not good enough, because it is yours, but the acceptance of the existence of certain flaws is a different matter. Sometimes I feel as though every single flaw of mine stands to be corrected, else my being would be incomplete. Incompletion is human - just not to a perfectionist whose nod of approval equates to a little more weight off my back. 

There are standards you understand but cannot meet. 

There is you, and the person you want to be.

Happiness is empty and unreal.

Should make a list of predicted thoughts for relatives when i'm unable to speak and move on the hospital bed. Else i'd go crazy in the future with zero control.

A rough recount, due to lack of time (10 minutes given)

A lot has happened since my last post - i am currently in hong kong as my 93 year old grandmother is in hospital due to (all sorts of) complications. It's been 5 days, I think. I haven't had the time to write about anything much, but the first 3 days have been emotionally exhausting.

I'll write about those when time permits.

There's so much I want to do in hong kong, like exploring less 'touristy' areas, people watching, find a cosy little cafe and read (a perfect getaway - I rarely feel at peace in singapore).

There's so much alone time I need and am not granted. Felt so much frustration from not being able to plan my own schedule, for meet-up sessions get randomly slotted in all the time. Frustration from not being able to have control over my time.

Anyhow, my parents and I visited a 3-storey book store at Hysan Place, Causeway bay. The three books I really wanted were either out of stock or printed in chinese, but they had pretty okay sections for philo and novels nonetheless (for a bookstore in hk).

Backdrop: Cousin's room

bought: "On solitude" at the bookstore, plus Sarah Kane's complete plays at 2am on book depository last night. Completed A very easy death, continuing nausea. Trying to decide which translation for the stranger is the best.

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I miss the old home we still had last year, being able to scuttle around the 4 other blocks my relatives reside in. We have to inconvenience them now..

1) will never allow myself to cause harm to others
2) will be open to people and experiences
3) will live, not for myself, as much as possible

i was raised to think that one never gets praised for anything that is not up to standard, and i like it this way. because nobody will be able to tell you you're not good enough, besides yourself. you can crumble under your own hands, but not the hands of others.

i have either gained an inability or lost my ability to put emotions and thoughts into words. Gotten the strength to move on, and lost the strength to face my emotions. (Perhaps that isn't really moving on).

The presence of more people around me makes my distance from them more apparent. i have grown to be sure of how happiness isn't what i seek. There is no pure joy when everything is linked to thought. i fear joy, fear the inadequacy of emptiness. i do not believe in the acceptance of myself as a being, or to be able to accept the essence of a being. That makes concern conditional.

even as i try my best to delve deep and understand a being, i do not know how to love unconditionally. the closeness is false. the closeness of the mind is not closeness of the heart - that which is instinctual. i am, very instinctively, still very alone. i will appreciate only your thoughts, and you - only if you are your thoughts.

if this inability to help causes me to draw back - am i really caring for you in relation to myself, or purely caring for you?


the lizard is chirping to the correct rhythm and at the right places.

Note to self re: music

Having fun is not equivalent to letting loose and forgetting the 'boring' things, the technicalities. Having fun is when you're so good that the technicalities are drilled into you, a second nature, such that you can ride on them like waves. Know your natural talents that you can easily ride on as well. Know the natural talents of each person and learn from them.

Step up. Put yourself out there, under the watchful eyes of others and let yourself be vulnerable to criticism. Feel embarrassed about the criticism, remember that feeling and force yourself to improve. Never retreat. Take charge whenever you can, in whichever tiny way you can contribute, feel that pressure to be better, perfect.

Everybody in the group is good in some way and should have the right to correct others. I need to improve on my rhythm, be mindful of the internal clockwork, not sing purely based on feeling. Drill in the technicalities, add in the colours only after that. Perfect the pitch. Perfect it. Ask others on ways to get your notes grounded, on how to use proper support, getting the correct tone. Think of how you sound in relation to the entire group.


Know your weaknesses, let others inform you of the weaknesses you are blind to. Know your natural limitations, attempt to break them but do not expect to.

Never be satisfied with yourself, but never be discouraged.

Be Flexible.

Bought the tickets to the screening of lotr accompanied by a live orchestra just yesterday and I feel like I go for concerts alone not only because the selected few I would like to go with don't necessarily love the things i do, but also due to how it's great to not have to talk to anyone about the performance so i can first sort out my thoughts before talking to others.


The Fellowship


Concerning Hobbits

My heart was stolen the moment they played these. I was a little too into the movie and forgot there was a live orchestra in front of me half the time, but I guess it just points at how good they were - knowing the exact points of entrance, and dynamics were there. I suppose the female soloist could do with an even rounder tone but it was great enough to fill the atmosphere. Orchestras always have the ability to make my heart soar, and today it almost skipped out of its cage when I heard the main theme for the first time - not through the speakers.

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Haven't watched the film in a while, it's better appreciated since I'm older. 1) Sam's loyalty towards Frodo always makes me wonder why people deserve that much love from another. 2) Perhaps what I love most about the film is that it reminds you to 'do what you have to' when your time has come, as much as you wish to not be burdened by fate. 3) And a quote from Boromir:

"I know why you seek solitude. You suffer, I see it day by day".

How ironically true, that we tend to withdraw as suffering increases even though what we want most is help from others. Perhaps we withdraw because we don't trust that they can do anything, when this trust is the thing we need the most.

Quotes about solitude are always the first ones to get me. Because loneliness hits frequently, just that I'd rather be alone than to be with most of the world which doesn't understand. Also, thoughts are so much more productive swimming about in the head and drawing links on their own than talking to others. Talking's only great (and necessary) for adding perspective, when you've drawn most of the links yourself.

My wildest, most impossible dream would be to play in a great orchestra. Because I'm almost 21 and am not good enough at an instrument found in an orchestra.

lost my cool for the first time in (almost) 21 years of my life.